Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Randomize
