I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
