Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
