I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
