Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I checked into jail on foursquare
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
