Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
