My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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