Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
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