Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
