I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
