hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
