When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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