Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
