The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
