last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
