Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
