you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Randomize
