I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
