Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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