I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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