Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
