Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Randomize
