literally had 100 drinks last night.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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