why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
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