apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
