I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
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