I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
