So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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