i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
