I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
