just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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