I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
