I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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