is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
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