Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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