I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Randomize
