Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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