She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
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