I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Randomize
