There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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