Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
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The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
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So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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