Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
