By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
