I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
