THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
