Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
