Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
foreskin is a definite game changer
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
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