It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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