I accidentally had phone sex last night
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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