We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
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