You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
