Your tits are I can't wait for
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
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I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
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Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
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