"it" just moved
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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