I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
