U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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