I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
