Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
